Then maybe I could interest you in a hot cup of shut the fuck up

Gah! This entire week has been so frigging crazy. At any rate, mood's good. Swimming four times a week is really good for that, apparently. Swam a mile again today, was completely yonked by 5. Went out to dinner with Leslie, got laughed at for being so fried. Am not at home, am officially at 9555 words of rpf big bang!

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. I is smart! Or, I said something vaguely insightful (I hope) to Dr V.
2. Rafa
3. I swam a mile! While doing so, one of the student's brother was there, and we kept stopping on the far side of the pool and making fun of these silly sprinklers they have. He was only what, 16? but it was fun to laugh with him.
4. When we did the set of sprint slow sprint slow sprint slow, I actually sprinted. Still not fast, but I went as fast as I could. When I climbed out of the pool I was shaking. Kind of a cool feeling.
5. Talked to Claire today, tres cool. Must call Shanna back.

NEW LEVERAGE IS AWESOME!!!

and, I swam a mile today! I am all kinds of proud.

5 reasons I'm glad to be alive.
1. Had a really interesting talk with my group members today. We have an idea for the big project. Spent about 10 minutes on that and about 45 talking about cats, boys/girls, and general bullshit. It was really fun.
2. When I got home, Rafa was VERY snuggly. Tres awesome.
3. I drove home in just a spattering of rain. Just enough to wet the air without saturating it, so there was that great "rain in the desert" smell for a good ten minutes.
4. I am housesitting this week, so I get seventy five bucks! On the downside, Hilda (one of two HUGE Rottweilers) is seriously pissed at me. I will spend time with her tomorrow, I promise!
5. Christian Kane is hot like a hot thing.

Mom had to put down Frieda today. She was seventeen years old.

She was always a fucking pain in the ass, always so needy for attention with big Gollum eyes. Everyone who DIDN'T have to live with her would make a fuss over her, especially when we called her evil. Claire would always snuggle her and call her poor Frieda and Samuel (Gavin's best friend) called her the evil vampire cat. Mom, Gavin and I thought she was annoying so we ended up fussing her more than any other cat out of guilt. 

Whenever we asked about the cats Mom would always say  "They're fine, and Frieda's just as awful as ever." She was a cat with SUCH personality, even if it was a needy, annoying personality.

Mom and Dad got her just months before they got divorced and that was always my explanation for why she was such a neurotic cat, you know?

She had a very individual meow, almost chirping. And she talked CONSTANTLY. During the last two or so years that chirping got hoarser and longer as she's gotten skinnier and more fragile. So when she got sick this time that was pretty much it. The vet said he could X-ray her and give her steroids, but the odds were even with treatment she wouldn't last the month. Mom opted to put her down now rather than wait for her to die on her own while Mom was out of the country. It was the right decision.

I didn't think I was that sad but as I type this I'm crying. She was part of my family and it really, really sucks that she's gone.

Sorry, I'm not in the mood for five things today.

Goodish day today? Very, very long: spent 12 hours on campus. But, I actually got some stuff done, so that's good.

Went to doctor, am not officially up to 75 mg of Lamictal. Good times. I really liked the doctor I saw; she understood that it was important that they were INTRUSIVE suicidal thoughts, not actually desires. I've had doctors officially assess me after saying "intrusive suicidal thoughts," so yes. Muchly appreciated.

And I am officially really, really tired. Good night!

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. According to Tonya my fic doens't suck.
2. I actually managed to get some shit done today, yay!
3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is playing. So much love for this movie!
4. Kittens are fun!
5. I swam 1300 today! Whee!

The kittens are playing. And being annoying. But I need to go to sleep, so I'm going to have to corral Rafa pretty soon here.

Mood's been OK, a little down. Nothing major, just weekenditis I think.

Tomorrow's going to be the fucking long ass day, so whee! I go to campus at 730 am and I don't get back till 7 pm. *sighs*

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. I figured out how to get Maxx to stop chewing on my nose! Apparently blowing in his face is a good deterrent.
2. Tomorrow's Monday! I get to swim! I figure if I talk that way about it I won't psych myself out.
3. My tomorrow I should have money again! Whee!
4. Air conditioning still out, but I hung out and worked on big bang fic, so it's ok.
5. Tomorrow I'm wearing a skit. A long skirt and a t-shirt that I can get into quickly.

Five points to anyone (other than rainydaypsycho) who gets the reference!

Crap, stayed up too late again. However, the air conditioning has been quasi working today. My roommate also bought a window cooling unit, and if we both leave our doors open it helps a lot. I went to work and made at least a start on work that's due this week, so that's good.

5 reasons I'm glad I"m alive
1. I now have 8k workds of big bang fic!
2. Mythbusters is ridiculously entertaining.
3. Maxx and Rafa snuggled with me this afternoon. Rafa has started doing this adorable thing where he'll curl up with you and complain every time you move. Will be annoying soon I'm sure, but for now it's adorable.
4. Talked to another TA today about swimming. She's very nice, so that was cool.
5. Um, I have a cool roommate? And not a dangerously hot house. Things of the good.

Oh my god, it is so frigging hot. Our house is currently 91 degrees. Because apparently, our air conditioner doesn't work when it's really hot.

...................

So yes. Today I swam 1600! Up four hundred from yesterday, so whee! every single lap I swam I asked myself, "why am I doing this?" But when I was done, I felt great. And tired.

And it's too hot, so I"m going to go to bed with a bucket of icecubes.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. Jumping into the pool at 1:30 in the afternoon. Seriously refreshing and lovely.
2. Um, Rafa is adorable?
3. The Mummy is on the tv right now. It's just a good cheesy action flick, you know? Plus, Rachel Weisz is hot like a hot thing.
4. So my swimsuit isn't really lowcut, but I have a LOT of cleavage. Thus, bending down to pick up equipment? Very self-conscious. But, on the other hand, two guys checked me out! That was kind of cool.
5. I have been surprisingly OK with swimming. I don't even take my towel out of the locker room. Ooh! Plus, I had a really good bitch about thesis writing with one of my classmates. 

So this is my schedule for the next four Mondays and Wednesdays:
10-1:30:  work
1:30-2:40: swim class
3-7: class (and yes, she uses every single minute of those four hours)

Blah. Blah I say!

Swim class was really fucking hard today. And I only swam 1200! Oh well. Four times a week should build my endurance. On the plus side, I'm good enough of a swimmer to make up for my weight. I have good technique, just heavy and weak arms. But on the whole, I'm proud. Even when my arms felt like they were going to drop off I kept going.

Had a bad headache for the past couple days. Either dehydration or the upping of the meds. Crap, I didn't even think about meds until right now. But yeah, this pain is EXACTLY what I felt when I moved from 25 to 50 mg.

Other than being dead tired, mood's not bad. Got to see people at work, and had fun during the group activity in class.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. So, after only one hour in the pool my legs are already darker. I know, skin cancer, but I'm slathering on the sunscreen, I promise! Only problem is my nose is pretty well burned, but I'm being very careful now.
2. Talked with a nice guy while swimming. I think he's just nice, not flirting, but still fun.
3. Going to bed is going to feel really, really good.
4. I think I know what my advisor means by fleshing out my intro. got that started tonight.
5. Tomorrow's Thursday. New Burn Notice!

My roommate has been playing "Don't Trust Me" all day. I may be a little disenchanted.

I had my first swim class today. I swam a four hundred in 10:30. Way better than I thought it would be while I was swimming it. To get a B, I need to swim four hundred in under 10 minutes. I can TOTALLY shave 31 seconds off that time, especially considering I haven't swam steadily in a couple years. OK, plus, I am aware that this is not the most generous thing to think, but I was faster than a lot of them! I am not the worst swimmer BY FAR. It's such a nice feeling. Sure, I'm a bit self conscious in my swimsuit, but not as much as I would have been three years ago.

Only downside really is that my arms are frigging SORE. But that's good! It means I was using them!

Mood's been ok today. I forgot sunscreen, so really it's just as well we only had to swim the timed 400. tomorrow I am SLATHERING that stuff on. Mood's been pretty good. feeling a little bit overwhelmed, but pretty certain I can pull through. The air conditioning went on the fritz again, so the house got to 95 degrees. Miranda went to the movies and Teresa and I went for Caliche's. She and I then drove towards Hatch. All the corn and pecan trees are grown there, so it was all green fields and huge trees. It was around 730, so the sun was starting to set and there were the gorgeous purple shadows and the mountains were highlighted. Just beautiful.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. See above for drive.
2. Thank the dear sweet Lord the air conditioning is working.
3. I can wear my contacts when I swim! Being able to see really made a difference in my confidence. A very nice feeling.
4. Tomorrow, sunscreen.
5. Gavin and I talked today, very fun. I told him a story pretty much only he and I would think is hilarious, and that was cool. He sounds happy, which is always good.

Love that song so much.

Back in Las Cruces. Had a really good time in Socorro. Spent time with Mom, Ali, Hannah, and C family. At some point I may write more, or I may not. I'm ok with that.

Suicidal feelings coming back a bit, but I think I dealt with that. I ended up going to the class I really, really wanted to drop after talking to my advisor. It was the right decision.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. Rafa and Maxx reunited. Very cute. And ferocious.
2. Going to sleep in my bed will be nice.
3. i have finally finished my enxt chapter of fic! Thank the lord.
4. I have a good book to read.
5. I get to go to work tomorrow and see people I like. Definitely something to be thankful for.

So Panic at the Disco is breaking up. Well, not breaking up, but two members are leaving.

I spent two years being completely obsessed with bandom. And don't get me wrong, I had some really good times. I wrote fic, and I wrote an AU that I still revisit, even if only in my head (diner au, femmeslash). I went to four or five concerts, enjoyed the fuck out of every one of them. I saw Panic once, barrier, and it was amazing. 

But, my interest waned and I fell out of bandom. Some people are still writing amazing stories, but I'm not all that interested anymore. The way I write has changed, the way I read has changed. I've not outgrown bandom, because no, but. I think I'm tired of that level of fake sincerity. The twitters and the journals and the myspaces and the facebooks and the "candid" photos and just everything. I'm sure there was some truth to it, but that only made it worse. It was/is such a postmodern fandom. Everyone was aware of everyone else's awareness. We wrote fic where band members fucked. They knew. We knew that they knew. They knew that we knew that they knew. And it started to feel like this massive game of chicken, you know? "how far can we slash?" And in response: "how gay can we act?"

To be fair, DYW  ending definitely had something to do with it. After that source of reliably good fic folded, it was harder to stay connected. (I am nothing if not lazy) But that wasn't the only thing. I kept reading for awhile after that, kept squeeing. I know it's kind of outdated, but I not only prefer closed canon, I prefer canon that doesn't insist on breaking the fourth wall, you know? I mean, the footballers I write about are real, but they're not playing up the fans who think they might be gay. They're not sending out cryptic notes and texts that promise intimacy but never quite deliver.

It's not that I resent the bands, or any celebrities, having secrets. Everyone, no matter how public, deserves to have a private life, private thoughts that no one else has a right to. I think what bugs me is that Pete Wentz and his entire empire are built on the illusion of complete access. And that's what we want, more than anything. Look at how much photos of celebrities on vacation sell for, how all the gossip sites jump on every single candid photo or rumored feud. We accept a certain level of not insincerity, but a level of detachment from celebrities. We push for more more more, and celebrities always keep something back. And for years it's worked. But now, it doesn't. Now we're able to get minute to the minute updates, and that layer that celebrities used to erect is gone. And once they are known as real people, they're still celebrities but they're no longer people. It's not a coincidence that the people who are least savaged are the ones who don't open themselves up to public scrutiny. And it doesn't necessarily conform to level of celebrity either. We just hate the people who want us to love them.

Just as this toxic culture was starting to emerge, Wentz and co came along. While he may not have been the first, I do think that Pete Wentz was one of the very first to explicitly market to the emerging lust for access to celebrity. He's done so extremely well, and kudos to him. And I loved it for two years.

Why did I love it? Because there was enough truth to be interesting. Yes, Wentz's metaphors may have been tortured and obscure, but there was genuine feeling behind the words, and that's what I (and countless others) reacted to. But then it became too much. There were too many journals, too many comments, too much. And so that raw emotion became so diffused it was no longer compelling or even interesting for me.

And that's why the whole Clandestine/Fall Out Boy/Wentz/PatD thing is no longer fun. Wentz, Ross, Urie, none of them are as open as they claim to be. And that extra layer of insincerity is finally just too much.

So on balance, the world is good. I'm at home. Hannah brought her boyfriend Mordecai for the weekend. He seems very nice, very much into her. Also just as passionate as she is, also good. I brought Rafa with me and while he's all for exploring, I"m keeping an eye on him. The other cats aren't thrilled about him. They're not mean or hissing, just cautious. I don't want Rafa starting a fight with Nigel, who is literally 15 time heavier than him.

Mood's ok. Went round to Claire's, lots of people there. My own issues there, so I left after about ten minutes. After I left I felt bad. I don't know, it feels weird that she WANTS to hang out with me, you know? I know intellectually she loves me, but something feels different now. Maybe it's that relationship change I've talked about.

Anyway. 5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. Rafa is lovely and cuddly and purry. Eww, and gassy! Kitten farts!
2. Saw Ali, going for a walk then breakfast with her tomorrow.
3. I sent my thesis intro to Dr. V, yay.
4. Am home! With MOm and Hannah and cats and people I love.
5. OK, I know this is silly, but Mom has really fabulous air conditioning. It's FABULOUS.

OK, real quick tonight as I'm exhausted. I wrote fic, and am sitting here with Rafa batting at my hands as I type.

I managed to get my introduction (thesis) mostly written. Just need to finish up something on the theories I'm going to explore and I'm done. Only three pages, but I'm fine with that, really. I've upped my meds to 75 milligrams, am waiting for side effects to hit.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. Going to socorro tomorrow for the fourth.
2. i wrote fic! Now I should be able to finish the other one.
3. Classes start next week. I am excited and worried.
4. It's supposed to be cooler in Socorro tomorrow than it is here, thank the lord.
5. I was able to get my meds refilled without having to make appointment with doctor.
6. Ooh! Also, I ate lunch with Leslie and Dr. V, my advisor. I got the lowdown on department gossip and had a good time. So that was cool.

Homecoming
Pep/Bojan
NC-17
Note: Now I have two kittens snuggling with me. What can I say?
 

 

 

( Homecoming )

I am feeling completely uninspired for the ykw fic. However, I am two thousand words into another Pep/Bojan story. I know I need to just write the next chapter, but I don't know. Usually I write fics in an evening, takes me three hours max. But for some reason I'm not able to do that at the moment. Actually, I think the problem is that it's a tricky part in the story and frankly, I have NO idea how to write it!

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive.
1. I took a nice walk this evening. Walked about two miles.
2. I took a nap with Rafa this afternoon. We both just collapsed. Twas awesome.
3. Like I said, I'm into a fic but I'm not going to be able to finish it tonight. Annoying.
4. I sent in my loan for service application! Finally! Huge stressor disappeared.
5. My professor emailed me back with feedback for my outline; I should be able to finish my introduction by Friday.

It was pie day today! One of the professors brought three kinds of pie in for the department. Hmmm....pie...*a la Homer Simpson*

Ashley brought in like 6 books for me today, all on various religions. All short, so that's good. I read one called 'The Way of the Pilgrim.' It's apparently one of the most revered texts in the Russian Orthodox Church. It was a good read. I already knew ROC was quite different from Catholics/Protestants/Baptists/etc from reading Russian history but reading this really enforced the mystical element of Russian Orthodoxy. Also the sheer emotionalism. There's lots of mention of tears and weeping etc. Also, something else really cool: Every single time the pilgrim (narrator) moves closer to God, the revelation is preceded by pain. Only once his throat is sore and aching does he feel holy, only after his heart is sore and rubbed raw does he feel at one with God. If you compare that concept with the history of the Russian people, especially during the 17th through the early twentieth century, it opens up all sorts of things. It's interesting how religions mirror the people who practice it, no? Especially since they're all directly from divinity (sorry, sorry) I don't know though. Even as I was dissecting the book, the story etc I still envied those who could believe something so strongly. I caught myself looking down on the simple fools who have that kind of faith. And you know, I don't want to be that person; the book was reading for that alone. So, even though the book didn't change my views on religion or convince me to convert, I'm still very glad I read it.

Good day today. Still a bit blah, but nothing I can't really handle. I'm trying to work on the next section of ykw fic, but real life keeps getting in the way, which is irritating.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. I'm doing laundry. Good times.
2. Rafa is still ridiculously cute.
3. Yay for reading! Especially reading that makes me think after I've finished the book.
4. And I have five more books!
5. I went to the store and while I remembered to buy milk, I forgot the bread. Dammit.

Was just too tired yesterday to do this. I feel really sorry for our newish roommate. We went from a fairly quiet dog to a fairly quiet dog and two noisy complaining kittens. Who are adorable, but still. On the plus side, Rafa has learned how to defend his food when he feels like it, so Maxx is no longer getting four meals a day.

Today (or, yesterday) was OK. Actually, kind of cool in someways. Went to work and hung out with other TAs. Sometimes I get stuff done, sometimes not so much. Yesterday was one for the not so much column. Rocio found one of those quiz websites and we all wasted a good hour or so trying to name all the capitals, trying to match slogans to products, etc. It was fun, if not terribly productive.

Then I went to Starbucks with Ashley. The other two bailed on us, so it was a, not uncomfortable, but slightly awkward 30 minutes or so. Then we started talking about religion, and spirtuality, and Russia, and her faith, and all sorts of things. It was...nice, I suppose. Connecting with someone like that. She's one of the very few devout Christians I know who I really respect. She was saying that she's had pastors who preach that even reading about other religions is a sin because it may entice you away from the true path. It was cute; she was VERY indignent about that. She's studied other religions and all it's done is make her faith stronger.

It was very fun to have a conversation about faith with someone who wasn't trying to convert me or tell me I was a bad person for not believing in god. Or with someone who doesn't believe in god, because echo chambers aren't good conversationalists. Being able to connect with someone who believes differently than I do is more satisfying than talking with someone who agrees with everything you have to say. Every time I talk with Ashley I'm reminded that I actually agree with the fundamentals of Christianity (ok, with love your neighbor as yourself. the love christ above all others I can live without). It's how it's been interpreted and how it's taught that I have issues with.

I have kittens racing across my keyboard right now, so I apologize for any typos.

Anyway, 5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. That moment of looking into someone's eyes and realizing that they're really engaging with you.
2. Rafa and Maxx.
3. I nearly have my Loan for Service package complete.
4. It's really humid and sticky right now (oy! desert here, weather gods!), but that means it's truly wonderul to have a shower. There, positive spin!
5. Dr. V's going to give me feedback tomorrow, yay!

Don't particularly want to to analyze it, but more suicidal thoughts today. I think a function of driving through mountains (cliffs and ravines are just always going to make me fantasize, i think) and the fact that I was going to Rowan's first birthday party. It was very fun: James has a very close family. I enjoyed myself. Just made me wistful, I guess. Sad, but I didn't want to think that way during the party so I didn't. On the car ride back and right now though, yeah. It sucks a lot.

But I have Rafa, who is currently into my knitting bag, so I need to finish this up.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. Watching Rowan dig into (literally) his cookie monster cake. Very adorable.
2. Really just watching Rowan.
3. Having fun at the party, for it's own sake and for another reason. Claire tends to check on me during these things, even when there's not much she can do. But, i was having fun and making conversation. I felt proud of that.
4. Oops, nevermind. Now Rafa's just sleeping in my knitting bag. At least there are no baby blankets in there?
5. Maxx just came into room. Rafa kind of wants to fight, but Maxx is not that interested.

So this is mainly going to be a Rafa post, seeing as I bought batteries for the digital camera today.
( Cut for kitten pics )

In non kitten news. Today was interesting. I walked fivce miles this morning, hung out with kitten, read chuck klosterman. Then, had period of just deep, deep downness. Went out and drove around, went into the pecan groves and that helped a bit. I don't know. Guess I'm kind of lonely. Oh well.

5 reasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. I don't appear to be allergic to Rafa yet.
2. Note the yet.
3. Talked to Gavin and mom today. Fun.
4. Walked along the ditchbank. Without dakota whining to please go back, I can walk pretty fast. *preens*
5. My camera works! Just in time for Rowan's bday tomorrow.

and he is ADORABLE. I am in love. He's a little bit smaller than Maxx and they've been fighting for a good few hours. I break it up when they get too rough, but it's amusing. I also think he might be a bit dehydrated so I'm keeping him in my room with a couple bowls of water tonight.

Aack! Behind my back! Anyway, he's adorable.

5 erasons I'm glad I'm alive
1. RAFA!
2. C family dropped by to give me Rafa. Turns out my roommate knows them from Tech. Small world! Anyway, while they were here, Claire complimented my hair. Told her I cut it myself to get it out of my face and she offered to trim the back. Upstairs to the bathroom with scissors. I don't know, it was a nice moment. Standing in a bathroom as she cut my hair. Weird, I know.
3. Teresa's gone to a birthday party. I'm really glad; she needs to be social. (pot facebooking kettle here, but meh.) So I'm watching Dakota for her, which means I can't take Rafa and escape to my room yet. Also promised to be her DD if needed, so I'm waiting for a call.
4. I have about 5k words of bb story. Not really certain where it's going, but oh well.
5. Am going to Rowan's birthday party in El Paso on Sunday, will see Claire et famille then, yay!